where is the old serene with the smile, the vibrancy, the enthusiasm? is this me..the person who have been lazing around..sitting in front of the computer..not doing anything constructive for the entire morning..having tears welling up my eyes every min or so..why do i feel so down..so depressed..when i should be happily enjoying the few moments i have with my parents before i leave..why is this so? Gone were the smiles that naturally radiates from my heart, gone were the days when i have no worries but my studies when everything so neatly falls into place, gone were the days when my parents and i happily having lunches, dinners and heart-to-heart talks. I thoroughly miss every single bit of these..my mom has just walked into the room, passing me $450 to buy my ipod nano..it's not all these that i want..recently i've been spending a lot of money on my preparations for uk..laptop, air tickets, makeup, watch..it seems like the more i feel detached from my parents, the more stuff i tend to request from them..even those that i do not require urgently..i have let my emotional side climb over my rational side...i dont know why i just have the tendency to do all these..perhaps to feel that kind of attachment i still have with them..why is all these happening??
I'm really feeling very tired..emotionally drained..saddened by the fact that everything is happening this way. My cousin has told me that even dad doesn't give his approval, all along i've thought that he is actually ok with it, as long as i do not let it affect my studies..but i'm wrong, actually he also minds alot..now i begin to understand the sadness in his eyes..the disappointment he shows when he sees me on the phone..perhaps he's not like my mom who shows everything openly, who just utters her opinions directly..although he seldom (in fact almost never) scolded me before, I feel more guilty when he treats me this way..just had a conversation/argument with my mom for two hours, i can really feel her love for me and how much I have hurt her, how much pain she had to suffer because of me, it's really heartbreaking, i love her, really love her yet i am still hurting her this way, all my words, all my arguments with her, i feel so miserable..yes i do agree with most of what she said, yet i have my own opinions too, i just cant bring myself to do what she suggested..i simply cant, but i dont ever want these kinds of arguments to happen anymore..how many times have that happened? 10, 20 times or even more..im really tired..i need the courage..i feel so lonely when i think of myself as the only one...argh! why is this making everyone so miserable, so tired, am i doing the right thing?
